George Carlin's Top 13 New Rules for 2007

13 NEW RULES FOR 2007 BY GEORGE CARLIN

New Rule: 1- No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just
for weddings.
Now it's for babies and new homes, graduations, and releases from jail.
Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you
isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule: 2 - Stop giving me that pop-up ad for
Classmates. com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25
years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already
know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

New Rule: 3 - Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their
hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged.

I have a better description for these kids: LUCKY BASTARDS.

New Rule: 4 - If you need to shave and you still collect baseball
cards, you're gay.


If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a
grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule: 5 - Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men
care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: 6 - There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a
whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket - water, but without that
watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You
want flavored water?
Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: 7 - Stop screwing with old people!! Target is introducing
a re-designed pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And
the top is now the bottom.
And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be
in the morgue. Congratulations Target,,,, you just solved the Social
Security crisis.

New Rule: 8 - The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger
the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande
half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread
cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one
NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.

New Rule: 9 - I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from
sliding my card,entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying
the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing
"Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is
standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule: 10 - Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it
doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your
ass!! And it translates to "beef with broccoli."

The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you
weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: 11- Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the
seven deadly sins.
ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because
watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned
exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're
already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule: 12 - I don't need a bigger, "mega" M&M. If I'm extra
hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: 13 - and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom
attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a
mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if
he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't
want to be on your webcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.