The Opposite of Advice
Welcome to the first ever edition of The Opposite of Advice, the first and only truly self-help column. The advice column runs in reverse. That’s right: I got the answers from our readers and then found the questions you’ve been dying to ask.
Q: Are there early warning signs of men that are better avoided?
A: When I was learning to drive, my father told me to remember: "Drive like everyone else is an idiot."
Answer by Iguana w/o the g
Q: I want to start learning more about how to make my money work for me; really investment 101. I am tired of a financial planner making all the decisions and I don't really know or understand how to check an investment out. What would you suggest as a good way to start my Investment 101 lessons?
A: My grandmother told me to put...penny in my "shoe" on every date. (no, i wasn't getting married or hoping to). She said she was told to do the same when she started dating.
Want anymore stupid stuff, just ask.
Answer by “Sailing Away”
Q: I'm nervous about my wedding night. What if he's disappointed?
A: Well, it seems everybody has been put in Jeopardy. Everyone has faults and makes the common mistake. The only way to get back on the track is to just get back on it. Don't try to over do yourself. Just do what you need to do and what is required of you...Try it.
Answer by Christopher
Q: I know my question may not seem earth-shaking in comparison with many of the questions that appear in your column. However, my best friend and I were wondering if you could settle an argument. Should a short person wear ankle-length skirts?
A: The little apple without the stem never ever falls to far from the tree.
Answer by Patricia
Q: I'm a young woman in a difficult situation. I recently took a job from a man who was obviously hiring me because he was attracted to me. I thought I could prove myself as a competent, valuable employee over time, but his sexual advances are getting out of hand. Lately, he's even taken to physically dragging me into the supplies closet to make unwanted (and sometimes partially clothed) moves on me. This job is my dream job, and the launching pad for my career. If I were to file suit (and the lawyer with whom I recently met has told me that I have an air-tight one in the bag), I might make a lot of money. However, I know that the suit will scare off future employers. I know I could live more than comfortable off of the settlement for life, but I'm worried I'll never respect myself if I don't see my career path through to its natural end. After all, his modus operandi is obviously to scare me out of the business. If I take his hush money, he will have won. If I don't, I'm worried his come-ons might become even more forceful. What should I do?
A: It’s all about the dolla, holla!
Answer by Joey G of Booty Camp
Q: Whenever I go to church, I always follow my brother into the pew. He always genuflects on his way in, just the way Mom taught us to do. Whenever he does, though, I'm always tempted to tackle him and pound on him until he cries like a bitch. My mom has always told me that there's a time and a place for everything. Is that true?
A: NEVER pass up a good opportunity!
Answer by Stephen
Q: I'm a practicing Zen Buddhist, but lately the ancient quandries ("What's the sound of one hand clapping?" and "If a tree falls in the woods with no one there to hear it, does it make a sound?") haven't been able to put me into the same empty-minded head-space I so value for meditation. Can you think of another answerless, circular riddle?
A: always follow your money and plan wisely, know where you spend your money and you will become aware that you have money.
more money than you'll ever have.
Answer by DougyFresh
Q: In the former Dungeons and Dragons variation, all wizards use a staff for casting; without it they're at penalties. In the newer version, again all magic users have a staff they use for casting, but that staff is formed out of something precious to them (a musical instrument or a feather for example).
I've been thinking about this and was wondering if it could be incorporated in a game world and just wanted to get other peoples opinions. Basically what you'd get is the magical staff a wizard has in Monte Cooks game with the addition of the intelligent magical item template (personality determined by GM according to the item you selected and so on). The more important the item was to you the more loyal and friendly the staff would be. For example a branch grabbed off a tree and transformed might resent or ignore you, but a hair ribbon your brother gave you would actually be more of a friend.
Currently, I believe a 1st level spell would work with a long casting time e.g. a week. The form of the object would generally be a long staff with a matching design to the original object e.g. in the anime the musical instrument becomes a bronze female staff named soprano while the feather becomes a white edible one with the personality of an old man.
A: There is nothing impossible to him who will try
Answer by Shanna
Q: I have an obsession with Tyra Banks. Every time I see her, I just want to cover her with chocolate syrup and pretend every day is "Sundae," if ya know what I mean. I was thinking of flying out to a taping of her talk show and squirting her with a whole bottle of Bosco from my seat in the audience. She might have me arrested, but just seeing her all covered with chocolate would fulfill a lifelong dream of mine. Is it worth the jail time?
A: Be relentless in your pursuit of happiness, no matter what form it takes.
Answer by Lee
Q: Can I exercise my memory and thus avoid Alzheimer's disease altogether?
A: You think too much. Just don’t think. Hope that helps; if it doesn’t: just "FUGGET ABAAAT IT!!"
Answer by David
I hope you learned a lot from this edition of The Opposite of Advice – I know I didn’t.
If you would like to add your answer to my ever growing collection, you can email your words of wisdom to answerainm@grigrislagnaippe.com
Q: Are there early warning signs of men that are better avoided?
A: When I was learning to drive, my father told me to remember: "Drive like everyone else is an idiot."
Answer by Iguana w/o the g
Q: I want to start learning more about how to make my money work for me; really investment 101. I am tired of a financial planner making all the decisions and I don't really know or understand how to check an investment out. What would you suggest as a good way to start my Investment 101 lessons?
A: My grandmother told me to put...penny in my "shoe" on every date. (no, i wasn't getting married or hoping to). She said she was told to do the same when she started dating.
Want anymore stupid stuff, just ask.
Answer by “Sailing Away”
Q: I'm nervous about my wedding night. What if he's disappointed?
A: Well, it seems everybody has been put in Jeopardy. Everyone has faults and makes the common mistake. The only way to get back on the track is to just get back on it. Don't try to over do yourself. Just do what you need to do and what is required of you...Try it.
Answer by Christopher
Q: I know my question may not seem earth-shaking in comparison with many of the questions that appear in your column. However, my best friend and I were wondering if you could settle an argument. Should a short person wear ankle-length skirts?
A: The little apple without the stem never ever falls to far from the tree.
Answer by Patricia
Q: I'm a young woman in a difficult situation. I recently took a job from a man who was obviously hiring me because he was attracted to me. I thought I could prove myself as a competent, valuable employee over time, but his sexual advances are getting out of hand. Lately, he's even taken to physically dragging me into the supplies closet to make unwanted (and sometimes partially clothed) moves on me. This job is my dream job, and the launching pad for my career. If I were to file suit (and the lawyer with whom I recently met has told me that I have an air-tight one in the bag), I might make a lot of money. However, I know that the suit will scare off future employers. I know I could live more than comfortable off of the settlement for life, but I'm worried I'll never respect myself if I don't see my career path through to its natural end. After all, his modus operandi is obviously to scare me out of the business. If I take his hush money, he will have won. If I don't, I'm worried his come-ons might become even more forceful. What should I do?
A: It’s all about the dolla, holla!
Answer by Joey G of Booty Camp
Q: Whenever I go to church, I always follow my brother into the pew. He always genuflects on his way in, just the way Mom taught us to do. Whenever he does, though, I'm always tempted to tackle him and pound on him until he cries like a bitch. My mom has always told me that there's a time and a place for everything. Is that true?
A: NEVER pass up a good opportunity!
Answer by Stephen
Q: I'm a practicing Zen Buddhist, but lately the ancient quandries ("What's the sound of one hand clapping?" and "If a tree falls in the woods with no one there to hear it, does it make a sound?") haven't been able to put me into the same empty-minded head-space I so value for meditation. Can you think of another answerless, circular riddle?
A: always follow your money and plan wisely, know where you spend your money and you will become aware that you have money.
more money than you'll ever have.
Answer by DougyFresh
Q: In the former Dungeons and Dragons variation, all wizards use a staff for casting; without it they're at penalties. In the newer version, again all magic users have a staff they use for casting, but that staff is formed out of something precious to them (a musical instrument or a feather for example).
I've been thinking about this and was wondering if it could be incorporated in a game world and just wanted to get other peoples opinions. Basically what you'd get is the magical staff a wizard has in Monte Cooks game with the addition of the intelligent magical item template (personality determined by GM according to the item you selected and so on). The more important the item was to you the more loyal and friendly the staff would be. For example a branch grabbed off a tree and transformed might resent or ignore you, but a hair ribbon your brother gave you would actually be more of a friend.
Currently, I believe a 1st level spell would work with a long casting time e.g. a week. The form of the object would generally be a long staff with a matching design to the original object e.g. in the anime the musical instrument becomes a bronze female staff named soprano while the feather becomes a white edible one with the personality of an old man.
A: There is nothing impossible to him who will try
Answer by Shanna
Q: I have an obsession with Tyra Banks. Every time I see her, I just want to cover her with chocolate syrup and pretend every day is "Sundae," if ya know what I mean. I was thinking of flying out to a taping of her talk show and squirting her with a whole bottle of Bosco from my seat in the audience. She might have me arrested, but just seeing her all covered with chocolate would fulfill a lifelong dream of mine. Is it worth the jail time?
A: Be relentless in your pursuit of happiness, no matter what form it takes.
Answer by Lee
Q: Can I exercise my memory and thus avoid Alzheimer's disease altogether?
A: You think too much. Just don’t think. Hope that helps; if it doesn’t: just "FUGGET ABAAAT IT!!"
Answer by David
I hope you learned a lot from this edition of The Opposite of Advice – I know I didn’t.
If you would like to add your answer to my ever growing collection, you can email your words of wisdom to answerainm@grigrislagnaippe.com
posted by meganmcewen at
4:43 PM
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