The Opposite of Advice

Welcome to the first ever edition of The Opposite of Advice, the first and only truly self-help column. The advice column runs in reverse. That’s right: I got the answers from our readers and then found the questions you’ve been dying to ask.

Q: Are there early warning signs of men that are better avoided?

A: When I was learning to drive, my father told me to remember: "Drive like everyone else is an idiot."

Answer by Iguana w/o the g
Q: I want to start learning more about how to make my money work for me; really investment 101. I am tired of a financial planner making all the decisions and I don't really know or understand how to check an investment out. What would you suggest as a good way to start my Investment 101 lessons?

A: My grandmother told me to put...penny in my "shoe" on every date. (no, i wasn't getting married or hoping to). She said she was told to do the same when she started dating.
Want anymore stupid stuff, just ask.

Answer by “Sailing Away”


Q: I'm nervous about my wedding night. What if he's disappointed?

A: Well, it seems everybody has been put in Jeopardy. Everyone has faults and makes the common mistake. The only way to get back on the track is to just get back on it. Don't try to over do yourself. Just do what you need to do and what is required of you...Try it.

Answer by Christopher


Q: I know my question may not seem earth-shaking in comparison with many of the questions that appear in your column. However, my best friend and I were wondering if you could settle an argument. Should a short person wear ankle-length skirts?

A: The little apple without the stem never ever falls to far from the tree.

Answer by Patricia


Q: I'm a young woman in a difficult situation. I recently took a job from a man who was obviously hiring me because he was attracted to me. I thought I could prove myself as a competent, valuable employee over time, but his sexual advances are getting out of hand. Lately, he's even taken to physically dragging me into the supplies closet to make unwanted (and sometimes partially clothed) moves on me. This job is my dream job, and the launching pad for my career. If I were to file suit (and the lawyer with whom I recently met has told me that I have an air-tight one in the bag), I might make a lot of money. However, I know that the suit will scare off future employers. I know I could live more than comfortable off of the settlement for life, but I'm worried I'll never respect myself if I don't see my career path through to its natural end. After all, his modus operandi is obviously to scare me out of the business. If I take his hush money, he will have won. If I don't, I'm worried his come-ons might become even more forceful. What should I do?

A: It’s all about the dolla, holla!

Answer by Joey G of Booty Camp


Q: Whenever I go to church, I always follow my brother into the pew. He always genuflects on his way in, just the way Mom taught us to do. Whenever he does, though, I'm always tempted to tackle him and pound on him until he cries like a bitch. My mom has always told me that there's a time and a place for everything. Is that true?

A: NEVER pass up a good opportunity!

Answer by Stephen


Q: I'm a practicing Zen Buddhist, but lately the ancient quandries ("What's the sound of one hand clapping?" and "If a tree falls in the woods with no one there to hear it, does it make a sound?") haven't been able to put me into the same empty-minded head-space I so value for meditation. Can you think of another answerless, circular riddle?

A: always follow your money and plan wisely, know where you spend your money and you will become aware that you have money.
more money than you'll ever have.

Answer by DougyFresh


Q: In the former Dungeons and Dragons variation, all wizards use a staff for casting; without it they're at penalties. In the newer version, again all magic users have a staff they use for casting, but that staff is formed out of something precious to them (a musical instrument or a feather for example).
I've been thinking about this and was wondering if it could be incorporated in a game world and just wanted to get other peoples opinions. Basically what you'd get is the magical staff a wizard has in Monte Cooks game with the addition of the intelligent magical item template (personality determined by GM according to the item you selected and so on). The more important the item was to you the more loyal and friendly the staff would be. For example a branch grabbed off a tree and transformed might resent or ignore you, but a hair ribbon your brother gave you would actually be more of a friend.
Currently, I believe a 1st level spell would work with a long casting time e.g. a week. The form of the object would generally be a long staff with a matching design to the original object e.g. in the anime the musical instrument becomes a bronze female staff named soprano while the feather becomes a white edible one with the personality of an old man.

A: There is nothing impossible to him who will try

Answer by Shanna


Q: I have an obsession with Tyra Banks. Every time I see her, I just want to cover her with chocolate syrup and pretend every day is "Sundae," if ya know what I mean. I was thinking of flying out to a taping of her talk show and squirting her with a whole bottle of Bosco from my seat in the audience. She might have me arrested, but just seeing her all covered with chocolate would fulfill a lifelong dream of mine. Is it worth the jail time?

A: Be relentless in your pursuit of happiness, no matter what form it takes.

Answer by Lee


Q: Can I exercise my memory and thus avoid Alzheimer's disease altogether?

A: You think too much. Just don’t think. Hope that helps; if it doesn’t: just "FUGGET ABAAAT IT!!"

Answer by David


I hope you learned a lot from this edition of The Opposite of Advice – I know I didn’t.
If you would like to add your answer to my ever growing collection, you can email your words of wisdom to answerainm@grigrislagnaippe.com

For Those Looking To Cover Up This Mardi Gras Season

Anti-Bush T-Shirt Slogans

1) (On an infant's shirt): Already smarter than Bush.
2) 1/20/09: End of an Error
3) That's OK, I Wasn't Using My Civil Liberties Anyway
4) Let's Fix Democracy in This Country First
5) Bush. Like a Rock. Only Dumber.
6) You Can't Be Pro-War And Pro-Life At The Same Tim
7) If You Can Read This, You're Not Our President
8) Hey, Bush Supporters: Embarrassed Yet?
9) George Bush: Creating the Terrorists Our Kids Will Have to Fight
10) Impeachment: It's Not Just for Blowjobs Anymore
11) America : One Nation, Under Surveillance
12) They Call Him "W" So He Can Spell It
13) Which God Do You Kill For?
14) Jail to the Chief
15) Who Would Jesus Torture?
16) No, Seriously, Why Did We Invade?
17) Bush: God's Way of Proving Intelligent Design is Full Of Crap
18) Bad president! No Banana.
19) We Need a President Who's Fluent In At Least One Language
20) We're Making Enemies Faster Than We Can Kill Them
21) Rich Man's War, Poor Man's Blood
22) Is It Vietnam Yet?
23) Bush Doesn't Care About White People, Either
24) Where Are We Going? And Why Are We In This Handbasket?
25) You Elected Him. You Deserve Him.
26) Impeach Cheney First
27) Dubya, Your Dad Shoulda Pulled Out, Too
28) When Bush Took Office, Gas Was $1.46
29) The Republican Party: Our Bridge to the 11th Century
30) 2004: Embarrassed 2005: Horrified 2006: Terrified

Good Golly, Miss Molly!

for the woefully heretofore unitiated, i'm afraid you'll only get to know molly's columns posthumously. you can check them out at www.texasobserver.org.
if you'd rather, though, here is a sort of beginner's course in molly-speak: erudite, cutting, dixie charm drips from her pen (yes, she started that long ago). here's a personal favorite to start off the batch:

"As they say around the Texas Legislature, if you can't drink their whiskey, screw their women, take their money, and vote against 'em anyway, you don't belong in office."
Molly Ivins

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• The first rule of holes: when you're in one, stop digging.
• What you need is sustained outrage...there's far too much unthinking respect given to authority.
• Think of something to make the ridiculous look ridiculous.
• The thing about democracy, beloveds, is that it is not neat, orderly, or quiet. It requires a certain relish for confusion.
• Satire is traditionally the weapon of the powerless against the powerful.
• You can't ignore politics, no matter how much you'd like to.
• It is possible to read the history of this country as one long struggle to extend the liberties established in our Constitution to everyone in America.
• What stuns me most about contemporary politics is not even that the system has been so badly corrupted by money. It is that so few people get the connection between their lives and what the bozos do in Washington and our state capitols.
• There's never been a law yet that didn't have a ridiculous consequence in some unusual situation; there's probably never been a government program that didn't accidentally benefit someone it wasn't intended to. Most people who work in government understand that what you do about it is fix the problem -- you don't just attack the whole government.
• I believe in practicing prudence at least once every two or three years.
• I still believe in Hope - mostly because there's no such place as Fingers Crossed, Arkansas.
• One function of the income gap is that the people at the top of the heap have a hard time even seeing those at the bottom. They practically need a telescope. The pharaohs of ancient Egypt probably didn't waste a lot of time thinking about the people who built their pyramids, either. OK, so it's not that bad yet -- but it's getting that bad.
• It's like, duh. Just when you thought there wasn't a dime's worth of difference between the two parties, the Republicans go and prove you're wrong.
• In the real world, there are only two ways to deal with corporate misbehavior: One is through government regulation and the other is by taking them to court. What has happened over 20 years of free-market proselytizing is that we have dangerously weakened both forms of restraint, first through the craze for "deregulation" and second through endless rounds of "tort reform," all of which have the effect of cutting off citizens' access to the courts. By legally bribing politicians with campaign contributions, the corporations have bought themselves immunity from lawsuits on many levels.
• Any nation that can survive what we have lately in the way of government, is on the high road to permanent glory.
• During a recent panel on the numerous failures of American journalism, I proposed that almost all stories about government should begin: "Look out! They're about to smack you around again!"
• I am not anti-gun. I'm pro-knife. Consider the merits of the knife. In the first place, you have to catch up with someone in order to stab him. A general substitution of knives for guns would promote physical fitness. We'd turn into a whole nation of great runners. Plus, knives don't ricochet. And people are seldom killed while cleaning their knives.
• I know vegetarians don't like to hear this, but God made an awful lot of land that's good for nothing but grazing.
• The United States of America is still run by its citizens. The government works for us. Rank imperialism and warmongering are not American traditions or values. We do not need to dominate the world. We want and need to work with other nations. We want to find solutions other than killing people. Not in our name, not with our money, not with our children's blood.